WHAT CRAZY THING HAPPENS WHEN I REACH THE TOP OF A PEAK?
Usually, I happily cruise through adventures enjoying and savoring every moment, without huge highs or extreme lows. However, on my recent adventures, an emotion that I tend to only experience through hurt or anger revealed itself in a new light and funnily enough at extreme heights.
Whether at a peak of a mountain, the crater of a volcano, or the top of a waterfall, I become emotional.
It starts innocently enough – quivering lips, unsteady voice, but then my chest tightens, eyes squint, forehead crinkles until I’m whimpering.
What is it about reaching a significant vertical height that entices these tears?
Is it accomplishing a physical feat? Breaking through clouds to witness unobstructed views? Being appreciative of natures beauty? Proud that I didn’t give up and turn around?
Although all greatly contribute, there is one constant thought that swirls in my mind when I am in my state of upheaval.
I. AM. ALONE.
(cue the violins)
When I exhaustively hiked to Gorepani Peak to watch the sunset over Annapurna, I was alone.
When I trekked in darkness to watch the sunrise over Bali, I was alone.
When I reached The Iron Cross on the highest point on The Camino De Santiago, I was alone.
Now, I don’t mean alone in the physical sense because there are always incredible, supportive hikers around me. More often than not I meet fellow travelers at hostels and we decide to conquer these physical feats together. How awesome!
However, truthfully, it’s not the same.
Experiencing life-changing moments with people I do not know is not the same as experiencing with ones I have built long term connections with. Yes, I have traveled with boyfriends and a few times with close friends, however, in the last 10 years, everyone is either married with a family or in long term commitments and traveling with a single gal is not high on their priority.
Therefore, I conquer alone.
The tears shed at these peaks are wishing that I could share these amazing moments with ones that I love because it’s truly f***ing awesome.
For over 10 years I have touched, tasted and witnessed awe-inspiring moments and explaining or showing photos when I return home is never the same as experiencing it with me. Because these moments changed me and brought about something inside that I never knew was there. So when I cry it’s because I want you (you know who you all are) to stand, sit, lay, laugh and cry next to me.
Life is short. Life is uncertain. Life is complicated.
I want someone to be a witness to my life, someone that I can reminisce with, someone that mirrors my experiences. So when we are sitting in our rocking chairs, silently staring at the land ahead, although words may not be said, the energy that we have shared connects us.
Crazily enough, I can’t wait to reach more peaks.
The silence, the fresh air, the glow is a positive time for reflection. It tests, it strengthens, it humbles. Because when I descend I am lighter, more confident.
I may not have a loved one beside me when I reach my next summit, and I may dissolve into a fit of tears. But I won’t push these heavy emotions aside, I will embrace. I crave for these emotions to impact and change me. Every step that leads me to the precipice is an achievement, gratitude that I kept moving, not waiting for others to catch up.